I plan this: First round a slug, second round is buckshot, third round special shot I cast, got spikes to catch the air and spread 'em real wide. Narrow choke on all them don't touch the slug, but the spikes open up on that third load like a great big peacock tail. Get a centre hit on the slug, a nice tight pattern on the buckshot, then real wide area coverage with the spike load. Magazine holds 21. She's ready now. Primed and ready.
Worked on this last two years, all my own. Didn't tell my brother, and he knows guns. Didn't tell no one at the shooting range neither. My own gun, my own plan. Nobody knows.
I like to tell Mary Beth, but she got this problem with guns. "Don't talk to me about it Dave," she tells me once, then she laughs her laugh like music bells. "I don't understand that stuff".
I understand. She's a woman, I a man. I know for her even what she
don't. Thats o.k.
Mary Beth work reception down at the plant. I remember her start day like it was my own. She walks in on music, smooth and swingin' and solid on the beat, all blonde hair high heels and big eyes takin' everything in like was Christmas in July. The way she answer the phone you think you was special, and everybody take to her right away. Even the Old Man, he start to be kind and talk nice.
I wait, I wait my time, not want to rush in with no respect and be rude. Not raised to be a grabbin' taker. Then one day I hear cryin' in the coffee room and I look and it be her, and I sit down acrost not sayin' anything, just hold out my hand and look right in her eyes.
Jimmy down in Shipping tried to take advantage of her. I listen and I don't say nothin', just listen and let the words fall and hand her tissues outta my own pocket, clean and fresh that day, let the tears fall and don't say nothin'. Next day Jimmy come in limpin' with two black eyes and he walk real wide of her, and thats all, nothin' to be said. She know.
So we start to talk sometimes. She not from around here, you see
that in a second, she don't know people. I try to tell her, let her
know, lead her along and still respect her right to see. It was a
kindness, and she thanks me for it. Still does.
I got this trouble sleeping, and the late night tv does not help. Doc gave me some pills, they work some nights, but other nights I can not fix it out before dawn and the rise of a working day.
Sometimes late nights when the snow squirms on the tv screen, I sit out on the back porch and remember my tour. I do not want to talk about this; it was my pride to serve, and I paid the price because I do believe in my country. And, I believed in freedom. I still do.
Comes a time, seems right and natural, I invite Mary Beth out for a Saturday drive. Take along some picnic food, cold chicken and potatos, nice white cake with iceing I order special at the bakery, couple bottles of beer and some wine 'cause I know she like that to drink. Take her a place not many people know, no trash on the ground and quiet and full of peace.
I tell her what I think and how I feel. She listens, real quiet and eyes big, listens all the way through while my voice start to change in my own ears and sounds now like some cartoon speedin' up and still she is quiet and she listens. Then, she tell me: no.
I take her home and she opens the door, then puts her hand on my
arm and leans acrost and kisses my cheek. Even now I can smell that
perfume she wears, Obsessions they call it, and I can smell her sweet
girl self, and I can feel one tear roll off her cheek and she blesses me
with her sad. And that is all; and the next day I am most careful to
keep talking with her as before, because I do have and will have
respect as I was raised.
I work my own machine and I can fix it. I will help my neighbour as myself if only he does ask, and I will offer before being asked. That is the way of it, and no-one can tell me that is wrong.
But I do not like it, when the Old Man calls us together, and tells us the company has been bought like some pig in a blanket, and there are big changes coming. I see Pops the cleanup man let go with nineteen years of service and no pension and no watch, and Jimmy let go, and too many others, and I do not speak, but I can see the evil begin to rise.
Late last week the big city man come down the line and call me in his new office. He tell me straight out my time is done. I listen, calm and not talking. When he finished I get up to leave and still say nothing. My daddy worked in this plant and I have learned respect.
But, I have seen him take her dancing on a Saturday night and when I followed his big black car out to the parking place by the river I crept up close and quiet and heard him fill her ears with talk of how he will care for her and how he will bring her to places she believes she should be. And, I heard her give herself to the fool. I heard.
And I do say: my ears have learned to know a lie, and a liar, better
than most can. I know. I know.
It is Monday morning now. I sit in my truck in the parking lot, and
the cold steel lies acrost my legs like a promise. I await the hour of
my Redemption. May the Lord have mercy on me a poor sinner; and
may the Angel of the Lord guide and steady my own true aim. Amen.